Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
we should paint friendship bongs
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