Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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