omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
