I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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