and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
40s are totally the cure
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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