just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
two words: eviction party
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
