found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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