I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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