His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
