If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize