this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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