This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
