the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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