$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize