hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
