I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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