Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize