I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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