This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
