About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
