I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
