Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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