You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my being single is dangerous.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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