I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
