I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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