Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
