there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
