We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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