we have pet lesbian snakes
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You need Xanax blowdarts
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
