Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The best revenge is premature balding
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
