Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
