After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
