he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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