if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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