i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
