Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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