my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I smell like Dick and happiness
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
