Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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