there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
