Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
