winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
