I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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