I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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