hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
