last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize