Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
