considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
