If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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