Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
