So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
