A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
