Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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