fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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