lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
