sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
