oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
