Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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