i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
