I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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