I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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