dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
