there's paper in my vomit.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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