I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This gyro tastes like lonliness
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
