What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
