im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize