I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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