also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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